Why I'm Confidently Unconfident

Confidence is for people who think they have things figured out. I'll rely on God to do that, thank you.

That's what has been my problem for so long. Everywhere I turn, people have given me this trite and tired advice. Not getting traction in your career? Be more confident. No luck in your love life? Girls love confident men. Suffering from depression? Snap out of it. It's all in your head. Pull yourself up by your bootstraps. But what does that really mean?

According to dictionary.com's definition and what everyone else commonly interprets it as being, confidence is "belief in oneself and one's powers and abilities; self-confidence; self-reliance; assurance". Hmm. Going by that, shouldn't all those people giving out this advice be taking it as well? How are all these gurus surrounding me unmarried, working a dead-end job, and wallowing in 10 years plus worth of mental illness?

I'll tell you why. Control. We see others in a bad situation and conclude that it is within their ability to determine the outcome. We find ourselves in that situation and discover that we can't make things go our way, no matter how hard we believe in ourselves. Then when we decide to relate our experience with another, they pass along that same little nugget of wisdom that we just used on our friend before us. And we still believe it!

We have to stop being so full of ourselves in thinking that we've got it all figured out. Confidence is a marketing tool. It's a commercial for razors and perfume. It's materialism and narcissism. It's ignorance of our limitations and ignorance of God's power. It's thinking that we can live life on our own.

I had myself convinced that if I were to live a happy and fulfilled life that everything fell on my shoulders to do it. If I wanted a career then I'd have to this. If I expect to make friends, then do that. If I want people to be attracted to me and find love then I have to do X, Y, and Z. I can't do that anymore. I never could. No matter how hard I tried, how much I did my homework, I failed. I'm a total failure.

Things aren't that much better right now, either. I'm not working as a writer. My closest friends are either far away or refuse to even talk to me. I struggle with intense anxiety. I still have no idea what in the world I'm here to do. And you want to know something? I'm at peace with it.

I took it to Christ. The turning point came on a day where I was feeling worthless. A mistake. A real piece of crap. I broke down and cried. I cried harder than I had ever cried before. And I knew there was nothing I could do about it. Then something a good friend told me earlier in the day clicked with me. "Remember the mustard seed," she told me. Even the smallest measure, the smallest gesture of faith in Christ can change things. So I would submit myself. I would admit that my attempts to do things on my own had ended in constant failure and ever-increasing heartbreak.

That day was a game-changer. I asked for healing of my mind, my depression. Over the years I had made many attempts in prayer to have my mental illness taken from me. It would always end in anger and bitterness. I had little hope that anything would come out of it this time, either. But that one small gesture of faith after being disappointed proved what my best friend said. I'm happy to say that I no longer suffer from my depression.

It's weird making that declaration. For one, I've been suffering on and off (mostly on) from depression for over twenty years. Specifically, Dysthymia. It's all I've known, so saying something to the contrary feels very alien and, admittedly, uncomfortable. And then there will be people who think that I'm crazy, which is perfectly understandable. I'm very much the same way in most instances. That I'm speaking of this openly and candidly speaks to how much it has affected me. This is not a placebo. This is Jesus. YEAH, BO-OIIIIII! HOLLAH! (Ignore these two exclamations. It's embarrassing.)

It sucks that I don't have my friends to turn to right now. I hate the fact that I still get anxious about the most trivial of things or even big things like career or marriage. Things aren't perfect and they'll never be. But I am at peace with the fact that Christ will care for me.

Maybe I'm not in the right place right now for the things that I really want to come to pass. I'll level with you when I say that that's dead obvious. My relationship with Christ needs a lot of work, stuff that I need to do on my end. If my relationship with God is in a state of disarray then how should I expect a relationship with a girl to function well? (That's to say nothing of her relationship with God, either)  If I want the responsibilities and enjoyment of a career, shouldn't I be obeying and enjoying my Savior? All this other stuff is just gravy.

We keep getting caught up in wanting to do things our way and on our terms. We'll even justify it to ourselves. We justify our apathy. Sure, on occasion, we'll do something God would want of us. But it has to be easy. Otherwise, we decide to just compromise. We'll do it half-way. We'll believe one thing but decide that the other thing, that must be wrong. We wouldn't want to inconvenience ourselves, would we? God would never ask us to do or believe something that might adversely affect us. (That's sarcasm, by the way)

We have to prepare ourselves for those moments where things won't be pleasant. They will pay off, in the long run. We may not earn our blessings, but our actions determine whether we're mature enough for them. To keep things in perspective, I pray in the morning. I ask God three things:

1.) What can I do for You?

2.) How can I live my life the way You intend it to be?

3.) How can I receive Your blessings?

It reminds me that God is greater than me, but also that He has plans for me and He wants me to participate in seeing them through. Good things. Fulfilling things.  

I say all this with the foreknowledge that I will, without fail, bollocks this up again. Repeatedly, because I'm an idiot. Hopefully, I won't do it as much as I would have had this experience never taken place.

I didn't write this to brag. I'm a rather crappy individual, so it would be something of a joke to prop me up above other people. I'm writing this to prove that Christ does heal. He does answer prayers. Maybe you're not ready and you've got some things to work out with Him first. Patience and perspective are important. You can't do life on your own.

I end this blog entry with these few words:

"Remember the mustard seed."

-L. Travis Hoffman

10/4/2014         

A Love/Hate Relationship With Myself

I was lying in my bed tonight and thinking of what I am, what I see myself to be, and what I wish I was. I was thinking about the ugliness of myself and the things that make me believe my existence to be something of benefit and worth admiration.

I like that I can feel. That I can experience emotions and embrace them and, for the most part, not be bothered by having that quality. I hate that I’m emotionally frail, that I break from the smallest of slights and collapse in on myself from outright rejection.

I admire that I’m inquisitive. I love to learn about things, sometimes to the point of absurdity. I love to share what I know. But I’m also overly analytical. I’m paranoid and insecure, constantly asking myself what my peers really think of me. I read into every little gesture, every facial expression, every word and how it is spoken.

I love creativity and artistry. I love that I write and I believe that words are beautiful and can communicate beautiful things. I love that I can sing (somewhat) and that I’m in touch with the subtleties of something as simple as a raised note and how it can make me feel closer to the musicians and composers. But I’m an arrogant and pompous ass. I retreat into my mind and cut down others’ tastes and I’m overly critical of my own attempts at artistic ventures. So often I find myself unable to complete projects and it’s frustrating.

I am a Romantic at heart and it pleases me to be such. I’m an idealist with the odd dichotomy of being, in my friend’s words, “a raging pessimist”. I like grandiose expressions of love. I’ve never stood outside a girl’s house with a boom box playing, but I’d like to do it if given the chance. When we were still together, I would write letters to my girlfriend even though I had just gotten off the phone with her after a six hour conversation. We both loved it and I miss being able to do that for her. It’s usually looked on as rather quaint and saccharine and almost always followed up by an eye roll and a snicker, which is unfortunate. There’s this opposition of putting the one you love on a pedestal, which I don’t think that I’ll ever understand. If both parties are doing it, then they’re never really on uneven footing. You love someone with the intention of enriching their lives, not focusing on your own. Still, I can look at the ridiculousness of my gestures and have a good laugh about it.

I appreciate that I’m an introspective person and not afraid to laugh at myself or admit to my mistakes and/or overall incompetence. I cope with self-deprecating humor and a shrug of the shoulders. I’m an eccentric individual and there’s not much that I can do to escape that description. I like it, though. I relate well to quirky people and find those traits to be endearing. I fear that it ends up coming off as pretentious, though, which goes back to my sense of insecurity. In my introspection I’m constantly making excuses for myself and not wanting to take responsibility in certain matters. I had put a lot of blame on my first girlfriend for our break-up. It was virtually all my fault and I really had no business taking my pain out on her. She didn’t deserve it. At times, regrettably, I’m harshly judgmental. I made that mistake recently and it made me feel like garbage. Thankfully, I’m not like that on a regular basis.

I hate not being able to simply speak and say what I’m feeling or thinking because I’m constantly stumbling and stuttering and coming across as inarticulate. I want to connect with people, but I can never seem to form or keep stable my relationships or friendships because I can’t express myself adequately enough. I find myself always afraid to voice an opinion when so often I’m put in a place where I’m surrounded by people of staunchly differing views.

But the thing I prize the most, the thing I that I could never find fault in myself, is my need to dignify and praise those around me and show them compassion. To compliment, to see and vocalize the things that make them so amazing to me but that they can’t or won’t be willing to admit to themselves. For some people, it makes them crazy and, at times, suspicious. I find joy (and, in some cases, amusement) in trying to get through their thick skulls that they are beautiful, that they mean the world to me and to others and that I wish so deeply that they could see themselves through my own eyes just so that they wouldn’t hurt or think less of themselves anymore. I cry for these people because I’ve known that pain for so long and the thought of those I care about having to bear that burden…it weighs on my heart. It’s a lonely thing and I don’t want them to be alone.

I’m not really sure why I decided to post this on here. Maybe I just needed to openly acknowledge that I have an on-going love/hate relationship with Logan T. Hoffman. He really is a great guy and a pleasant fellow that pisses me off fairly regularly. But still, he isn’t *that* bad a guy. I have a hard time admitting it, but I do believe it to be true. And hopefully one day, many others will share that sentiment.
 

Logan Travis Hoffman
3-30-2014