I've written on this subject before, but it's been weighing on my mind again as of late. Just thinking about insecurities and I also had a weird dream today. I'd go into it, but I'm not sure it would make much sense explaining.
Anyway, I was thinking about the obsession with confidence in our culture. In particular with regards to relationships. That seems to be the thing culture is constantly pushing. "If you expect her to be interested, you've got to be confident." I guess what confuses me is this whole idea that confidence is somehow the catch-all method for getting a date. And maybe that's my problem. I suppose I'm too monogamous to be confident. Because what we, the culture, are talking about here isn't really confidence, it's duplicity. There's a reason that scam artists are called confidence men.
Let me relate a story. At my previous job there was a girl that I had it bad for. Really bad in the worst way. Her name was Enia. Absolutely, insanely gorgeous. My private name for her among my colleagues was "Sex on Legs". Yeah, anyway, so I tried this whole confidence thing. Mind you, I had no intention of asking this girl out the first time I spoke with her and I didn't. The goal was to actually, you know, strike up a friendship or rapport or whatever and know what kind of person she was. I should probably add that, to no one's surprise, I absolutely sucked at being confident. To say I crashed and burned would be an understatement of epic proportions. Add to that my stuttering problem and overall anxiety around new people and you have this painfully embarrassing story that I'm now sharing. Of course, as it's become my tradition to subject myself to further abuse, I tried again. Multiple times. And failed. Each. Time.
That was demoralizing. I mean it really took the wind out of my sails. And this is by no means a unique experience for me. This has happened a lot. Which gives you absolutely no reason whatsoever to believe you're… worthy, I guess? Maybe not the most apt description, but I'll settle for it. This would inevitably be followed by consolation from a friend with the standard platitudes of being a "nice guy" (please, refrain from ever saying that to me if you want your jaw to remain un-stabbed).
Needless to say, I had become pretty bitter and disenchanted with this whole sort of thing. I felt like I was being screwed over by the universe for being the kind of person I had always been taught to be. I should be clear that a girl is in no way obligated to be interested in a fellow merely because he happens to be good-natured. By that same token, I don't think a man should be rejected outright and at face-value for not projecting self-assuredness.
I guess this is what I mean when I say I'm too monogamous to be confident. I don't want a relationship predicated on deception and I don't want my lady to be that way with me either. I want it real. I want friggin' blood and guts. I want to be vulnerable. I want to have an ugly crying face and be loved for it. But the culture, the dating scene or whatever, it calls for a facade. That's what I'm getting at. We wonder why relationships have such a short life-span and then we don't bother to consider that maybe our criteria for attraction is running ass-backwards with a blindfold on.
So at the risk of sounding of presumptuous, I will say this… ladies, look for a man that can fall apart in front of you because it takes a lot of trust and strength to let someone see you at your weakest. Gentle fellows, don't belittle a lady's sensitivity and don't bother with the ones that won't abide your authenticity at face-value.
-L. Travis Hoffman
8/11/2015
