That Filmmaker That Never Was (?)

We're in May of 2017. It's been a decade since I attended film school. Outside of the occasional small collaboration, I've yet to participate in a project that I would consider to be worthwhile since my graduation. I've dabbled in script writing on and off over the years. I'd even say some of it was of a good caliber. But let's not get the cart ahead of the horse. I'm writing this for the purposes of venting some thoughts in light of my recent efforts with a script of my making. It's gotten me thinking about the (this sounds so self-important) journey I've been on for the last ten years. I keep questioning whether this is a fool's errand. Anyway, let's start at the beginning.
 

The summer of 2001 was a creative awakening of sorts. I'd seen the movie Almost Famous and fell in love with it immediately. I've said it numerous times, but I regard this as the moment I lost my cinematic “virginity”. There's a lot of things to love about that movie. Kate Hudson, the dialogue, the music, Kate Hudson... yeah, I know. That particular summer also happened to be one where my cousin David was visiting. We're close in age and, at that time, shared the same interests. I don't remember what precipitated the conversation or what it was even about, but I remember that it was David that suggested I become a director. That was the spark that lit the dynamite.

Over the next six years, I worked at cultivating that interest. I did a few plays, took drama classes, read about dramatic theory, and started watching films that I would ordinarily have no desire to view. In between all this, I came up with an idea for a short film called Reckless Tex. It was about a hillbilly hitman hired by a Russian mobster to kill someone. It wasn't a serious script by any stretch. However, there was enough ambition to make something visually interesting from it for the high school film festival. So in April or May of 2005 I made my first short film with three of my friends. It was done in one day and in a rush (I was doing theater at the time and was late for rehearsal as we filmed), but I liked what turned out. I still do. The film festival came and my film was disqualified because it was too short. Never mind that there was no set criteria for length up until that day, but that's what happened. So the winner and the runner-up for the festival were two shoddily-made school assignments for films class. My short was the only one that had not been from an assignment. Not only that, but it was also the only one that seemed to have had any sort of discipline in its construction. If I sound big-headed about it, it's because it's something that still chaps my ass to this day.

Fast-forward to August of 2006. I begin my academic pursuits at the Motion Picture Institute. Still carrying the self-importance of a teenager and wearing a black flatcap reversed on my head, my intention is to have my hands in everything. Editing, photography, writing, directing. My holy trinity was Stanley Kubrick, David Lynch, and Ridley Scott. All auteurs. All directors with their own distinctive mark left on their work. My year at MPI was a mixed bag. I found one of my best friends and comrade-in-arms, Terry. I don't think I ever tell him how awesome he is. I should message him later. I made many other friends as well. Hyun. Adam. Babyface. Dee. Patrick. My academics, however, left much to be desired. Within a few months' time, my area of focus was quickly whittled down. Cinematography? Sucked at it. Could never figure out how the hell F-stops work. Directing? The preliminary work was exhausting and I could never get full cooperation from my colleagues. Editing? Meh. I was okay, but I haven't retained any of it. That left screenwriting. Back to square one, essentially. I will say that as much of a tool I probably was at MPI, my peers did seem to legitimately respect my writing ability. I was consulted on a few scripts for minor things. That always made my day.

Then came Beautiful Lucy. It was a script that took me 10, maybe 15 minutes to write after getting a vague, two-sentence story idea from Awesome Terry via e-mail. It became his thesis film. I love Beautiful Lucy. I got to star in it (mostly because we had no other actors) and I had a lot of fun on it. I think we all did. It turned out very well.

 

Which brings us full circle to 2017. No internships, no writing jobs, nothing of a career. It would be silly not to say that apathy had something to do with it. I'm not exactly a people person. It's probably why I gravitate towards writing. And that's my problem. I'm left unable to sleep because I'm wondering whether I buggered this one up. I've got a script I believe in and I'd like to make it. And just for me. I have no aspirations beyond wanting to make something good. At this point I think it's ridiculous to have anything more ambitious than that.
 

I'm constantly being bogged down by questions of practicality. How will I film it? Who's my crew? How am I going to get people that aren't flaky? Or how about just all-around competent people? I feel like that guy in Scanners.

I know this looks like a pity party and it is. I'm also well-acquainted with the usual responses.

 

“You think too much.”

 

Why, yes. I do. Barring a vegetative state, I can't do much about that.   

“You need to be more confident.”
 

Sure. But confidence unearned is not confidence. It's hubris. I'm already pompous enough as it is.

“Just go out and do it.”

Yeah, it's a little more involved than that.

I'm fortunate enough that I have people of like minds and better ability (my thanks to Adam, Patrick, Terry, and Babyface) that have helped and offered their talents in some capacity. Those thoughts keep swirling in my head, though. This all comes down to me. Here's hoping that dynamite wasn't a dud.

 

 

5/12/2017